ESPN tries its hand at Potter fan fiction

Harry rose from his knees and held the Snitch triumphantly high above his head for all to see. After his miraculous Quidditch match-winning catch and stunning crash, Harry expected to receive a thunderous ovation, so he was surprised when he heard not a single clap, not even from his fellow Gryffindor housemates. Instead, their reaction was similar to his own that day over the summer when he discovered Dudley prancing about in Aunt Petunia's knickers. What a curious sight that had been!

Now, the entire Quidditch crowd stared silently at Harry and the Nimbus 2000 that lay broken around him.

"Look! Cork!" Draco Malfoy shouted, cruely snuffing out his hand-rolled cigarette on the reproductive organs of a small white bunny that had misfortunately hippity-hopped within his reach. "Potter corked his broom! That's why he's able to fly it so fast! He cheats!"

"What?!? I did no such thing," Harry cried and turned around to see to his horror that the broken pieces indeed revealed a cork interior to the broom. He looked back helplessly as Professor Dumbledore and the rest of the Hogwart's faculty strode toward him.

"And what do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Potter?" Professor McGonagall asked in the sort of accusing tone obtained only after decades of sexual abstinence spent in a stiflingly repressive English public school.